Harold: ... .The universe tends to unfold as it should.
Kumar: What is that? Some fortune cookie?


Kumar: Well, congratu-fuckin'-lations, your dream has come true!


Kumar: [from inside a heating duct at the police station, where Harold is in jail] Rold? Is that you?
Harold: Kumar?
Kumar: Hey, are the cops still here?
[cops left moments earlier to check out a shooting in Millbrook Park]
Harold: What the hell are you doing?
Kumar: I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park.
Harold: Jesus Christ! What'd you do that for?
Kumar: I'm fucking starving! I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers.


Harold: Dude, we're so high right now!
Kumar: We're not low!

Kumar: Roldy! Roldy! dude, you gotta come quick. There is these two filthy pussies just aching to get boned by us!
[silence]
Kumar: I mean... duh... that there are these two lovely young pussies who would like to have a chat with you and I.

Dr. Willoughby: Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?
Kumar: No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.
Dr. Willoughby: But you have perfect MCAT scores!
Kumar: Yeeeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.

Kumar: I forgot my cell phone.
Harold: You wanna run back and get it?
[both turn and look at their front door 20 feet from them]
Kumar: No, we've gone too far.

Officer Palumbo: What kind of name is that anyhow? Kumar? What is that five o's or two u's?
Kumar: No, it's actually one "u"
Officer Palumbo: Yeah... bullshit.

Cindy Kim: Have you seen a Korean guy around here?
Hippie student: Yeah, only when I open my eyes though.

Harold: Are those my scissors? I trim my nose hair with those.
Kumar: Dude... I've been cutting my ass hair with these.


They entertain me for now.